Anna's Story: A personal experience of Bipolar mood changes

I first went to see a GP about mood swings when I was 15. As I was experiencing monthly cycles of depression, irritability and anxiety, it was put down to female hormones and I was prescribed a contraceptive pill to level it out. After that, I found that the depression worsened; I stopped taking the pill and chose to live with the mood swings.

I felt out of control and at 17, developed an eating disorder and was given the label of ‘Anorexia’. Fearful of the stigma attached to ‘mental illness, I began a secret “parallel life” as an “outpatient” with the psychiatric system…

The “lows”

I slid into a chronic depression for two years afterwards, and then, diagnosed with ‘Clinical Depression’ was prescribed anti-depressants. My mood initially shot “sky high” and continued to fluctuate rapidly month after month. Over the 8 years that followed, I was referred to various psychiatrists, psychiatric nurses, psychologists, psychotherapists as well as counsellors. At times, I found myself becoming enmeshed in the dynamics of relationships with therapists. Sometimes, it seemed that their need for learning was more important than my need for therapy. I remember being told that I was ‘incapable of forming relationships with people’ to fit one particular psychologist’s hypothesis of an eating disorder. On another occasion, I was confronted with a psychologist, who took on an approach I likened to ‘Hannibal Lecter’; taunting me into the hysterical reaction that he wanted. At the other end of the ‘spectrum’, there were the dismissive remarks of one or two GPs; “Life’s tough, you’ve got to get on with it”. I tried many different orthodox medications and explored numerous alternative therapies. I found the lack of unity across the many ‘professionals’ to be incredibly frustrating and so it became more of a ‘quest’ for me to resolve it myself.

I felt caught up in an agonizing battle. Constant negative thoughts resounded through my head; telling me that I was “useless”, “weak” or “a failure”. I would consciously try to fight each one with positive thinking. Agitated by these thoughts, I would pace up and down, trying to get them out of my head. There were times when I sprinted down the street in the hope that the sheer speed of my running would leave them behind somewhere. I could see that they were in my head, but felt desperate to get away from them somehow. As a last resort, I would pummel my fists into a wall or down onto my thighs in a crying plea for them to go away. There was also the deadening pain that worked its way throughout my whole body. It could grind me down and bring me to a complete halt. It was exhausting.

The anxiety attacks

Sleepless nights would be plagued with racing thoughts. At times like this, I felt lonely and tormented and would reach for the phone to talk to ‘helplines’. When I finally drifted off to a disturbed sleep, it would be broken by a panic attack in the early hours (usually around 3.00am) with an overwhelming fear of death. Death terrified me and so did life. I felt suspended between the two. I would find it difficult to breathe with a crushing sensation in my chest, along with unbearable pains moving down my left arm and leg.

The “highs” and mixed moods

And then there were days when I felt so elated with lots of positive ideas going through my head. I would be full of energy and could do many things at once. I felt so connected to the world - everything seemed so much brighter, louder, and I seemed to be moving through it faster and faster. To begin with, it seemed to be much easier to think clearly and do anything. Then, it would spiral out of control and my thoughts would be racing far to fast. I would start numerous tasks all at once and complete none of them. And then the negative thoughts would creep in amidst feelings of excitement. There were times when I was crying and laughing simultaneously and then confusion would set in.

The Bipolar II diagnosis

At 25, I went privately to a consultant psychiatrist, who made a diagnosis of ‘Bipolar II Affective Disorder’. He explained that as well as the periods of depression, I was experiencing what was termed hypomania and mixed episodes. He made it very clear that as a psychiatrist, he would take a biochemical approach and that the diagnosis was purely to help him treat me with medication. He suggested a treatment of low dosage mood stabilizers. I agreed to take them, and, after a few months, they started to suppress the mood swings so I continued taking them for a number of years. I was relieved that the mood swings had diminished and that I could resume a more functional life without burnout and breakdowns. However, I felt very detached and I sensed that the medication was masking issues that were lurking inside. I felt irritable and that my feelings were repressed. And then, a series of stressful life events; including a turbulent marriage and subsequent divorce, as well as workplace discrimination, left me once again experiencing mood swings and crippling panic attacks.

In addition to this, I received a workplace medical report that made me feel like a ‘statistic’. It read, ‘This lady has a significant psychological condition that cannot be cured and gives rise to a significantly increased risk (more than 50% higher than for an average employee) of permanent incapacity in 6-10 years’. I learnt that this conclusion was reached on the basis of medical evidence held on an ‘extensive database’ as well as a false assumption made from an ‘alleged’ report provided by my ‘specialist’.

This whole experience of having to prove my ‘mental health’ on the basis of statistics and someone else’s perceptions, made me feel uneasy about having the diagnosis of ‘bipolar disorder’. I felt alienated and anxious about my future employment. It brought to mind why I had never felt comfortable with any of the labels I had acquired in the mental health system. They merely dealt with the treatment of effects and did not help resolve the causes and issues that I sensed the illness stemmed from. And so, I was stuck with the label as well as the mood swings and continued with my “quest” to find a resolution….

The journey’s “new beginning”

22 years on from my first experiences of mood swings, I met Lily and Russell at The Naked Gene Juggler. I was curious about their work as they had a more integrative approach in dealing with various issues and illnesses. They were very focussed on the individual and were not interested in the labels. I found that they had a much deeper understanding of the subtleties and variations that different people experienced. And most importantly, they were interested in resolving the root cause of an issue or illness.

I received a very warm welcome when I first entered into ‘The Genie Pad’. Both Lily and Russell were so friendly and personable, which made me feel relaxed. I felt instantly ‘at home’ and, for the first time, comfortable talking openly and honestly about my experiences. It was such a relief to be able to talk to two people, who listened so intently and showed no hint of judgement. I could sense an awareness that they had of me as a whole person; not me as a person suffering from ‘bipolar affective disorder’. For me, that was my first step in breaking down the protective wall that I had created between myself and other people for many years.

The underlying issues “flagged up”

As soon as Lily and Russell started applying their techniques, I knew that this was a turning point and the start of a new and totally different path to understanding. They used a combination of methods taken from old as well as modern science-based techniques. In so doing, they were able to tap into my subconscious mind, and help me identify the root causes of the depressed and elevated moods, the eating disorder as well as the anxiety and panic attacks. In the space of a few minutes I experienced the same cycle of mood swings that had been repeated monthly over the last 22 years.

I was then able to see the associated causes and the pattern of moods and behaviours that they created. I realised that I had suppressed memories and emotions from specific life experiences that had overwhelmed me at the time they had happened. I discovered that the depression was partly associated with an assault and 2-3 years of persistent bullying that occurred from the age of 12. As for the eating disorder, hypomania and panic attacks, these were also linked with specific past events; including the unrealistic expectations I perceived that a family member had of me in achieving academically. (This seems trivial to me now, but at the time I felt consumed by my perceptions). I learnt that every time I experienced the same feelings associated with certain events, it would trigger off the same responses of depression, hypomania and anxiety attacks – the cycle of the “bipolar” mood swings.

Positive “feedback”

Once Lily and Russell helped me clear out these negative memories, they applied techniques that assisted in replacing them with positive emotions and visions for the future. They also used methods that seem to have “rewired” my whole mind and body systems.

I can now understand as well as go through the processing of emotions without getting caught up in a cycle of mood swings. Consequently, I no longer need the ‘prop’ of medication and can express myself more freely.

There are times, when I find myself waiting for the mood swings to “pop up” as if they’re still lurking somewhere. But they don’t – as the root causes have been resolved and they can no longer be triggered. Instead, I have much more energy and focus. My memory has improved significantly and I can think much more clearly. I am free from the overwhelming “fear” and can now look to the future with hope.

With their help, I have now broken down the “wall” that seems to have been there to protect me from the criticism, rejection and disapproval that I feared. I feel re-connected to people and those around me are noticing this change in me. I hear them say, “you’ve become a different person”, “I can see the real ‘you’ now” or “you seem so much happier and assertive…what happened?” or “Can I have some of what you’re on?”

It makes me smile, because, I am no longer “on” anything and I have “peeled off” those labels. I am ‘me’. I realise that I have been searching for external solutions for well over half of my life. Lily and Russell have shown me how the answers lie within myself.

I now understand what true freedom is…

Thank you both so much.

Anna's story: A journey update

It was Christmas day 2008 that marked the first day I stopped taking medications. I am proud to say that is still the case. Not only that, but, my life has changed dramatically. I find that I am re-discovering myself. Now, I know what it means to really feel and express emotions - even more importantly, what it means to be me, without mood swings. I have the confidence to do the things I only dreamed of doing before. I have since launched my own business, doing something that I truly feel passionate about. I feel re-connected to ‘me’ as well as the people around me. Now, I can give voice to what I think and experience how I feel, without doubt. I feel the love that I have for my partner. The best part is - he can now see it. Also, others around me are noticing changes in me. I hear them say, “you’ve become a different person”, “I can see the real ‘you’ now” or “you seem so much happier and assertive…what happened?” or “Can I have some of what you’re on?” It makes me smile, because, I am no longer “on” anything and I have “peeled off” those labels.

I am free from ‘bipolar’ and the legacy it carries. I no longer expect the mood swings, look for discrimination, notice the stigma or feel the shame. I have stopped looking over my shoulder; waiting to be persecuted. I am free from the sense of injustice, where others have judged. I am free from the confines of the ‘bipolar label’. I have no need to confess to ‘bipolar’ - because it is not a part of me. Nor do I feel the torment. Finally, I have found peace of mind. Now, I can embrace myself for ‘who’ I am and release myself from ‘what’ I’ve gone through. I am free from the bipolar ‘identity’. I am ‘Anna’. I am ‘me’.

I realise that I have been searching for external solutions for well over half of my life. Lily and Russell have shown me how the answers lie within myself. I now understand what true freedom is… Thank you both so much.”