Karen's story (Anna & Nicola's mother): Depression – a personal account

At the age of 20, I found that I was expecting my first child when I was halfway through my college course. This was in the early seventies and upon visiting my doctor at the time, I was given all ‘3 options’ of what you can do as an unmarried mother. I was disappointed at the prospect of not being able to continue my studies, but accepted that I was moving into motherhood and married life instead. My boyfriend and I were engaged - marriage had always been the intention for us.

I realise now that after the birth, I experienced post natal depression as I had become very unsure of myself. 8 years later, I had my third child and it was then that I experienced an acute depression. I felt I couldn’t cope with life and was desperate and lonely - crying most of the time.

When my third child was in her teenage years, I started Adult Education and went back into paid work as a Teaching Assistant. However, in the second year, I started feeling muddled and a panic set in - I felt that I couldn’t get anything right. My stomach felt heavy and I found myself breaking out into cold sweats. I was making a lot of mistakes. I believed that I couldn’t carry on…

I felt that I had to achieve something all the time

I left the school, and seeing that I wasn’t ‘working’, I compensated by setting myself far too many tasks. I felt that I had to achieve something all the time. I believed that if I had no career then I had to be successful at home. However, nothing seemed to work out. We had a succession of workmen doing various jobs in the house and garden, who kept ‘botching’ things up time and time again. The ‘last straw’ was when we got a new washing machine and it started ruining clothes and towels. This was another ‘thing’ I could not solve – it drove me ballistic.

All I could see was that my clothes were disintegrating

It was then that I started to become ‘obsessive compulsive’. I would dream about opening my wardrobe to see my clothes in shreds and have nothing to put on. I found it difficult to get clothes out the evening before. In the morning, I would stand and freeze, believing that I had no clothes to wear. When I opened the wardrobe, I could see that each item of clothing had been affected by the washing machine. I compared them to the other clothes that had been washed in the old machine. Some of my clothes had developed holes and all I could see was that they were disintegrating. I didn’t know how to solve it - it felt out of my control and beyond my capabilities. I blamed the manufacturers and constantly phoned helplines. I was frustrated. All I could see was that I was ‘right’, yet the people responsible ‘couldn’t’ and ‘wouldn’t do anything about it.

I saw myself as a failure

My garden was my haven – I loved it. But even in that, I started seeing decay. I could no longer see the things in the garden that I enjoyed. I saw the broken bricks, rusty taps and rotting trees. I thought that everything I had was broken and that I was ‘useless’ at doing anything to solve it. I saw myself as a failure; believing that everyone else was capable and I was not. I felt isolated. As far as I could see, everyone else was managing perfectly, and I wasn’t. I spent a lot of time in bed thinking about everything that was going ‘wrong’ around me. I felt the need to talk to someone – to anyone. And when I did, whoever came along would have to listen to me talking about the same things over and over again. I felt compelled to say it all.

I went to see my GP, who diagnosed ‘depression with obsessive-compulsive disorder’. I agreed that I was being obsessive, but I knew that I was speaking the truth about the washing machine. I think I wanted her to solve it for me. I felt stuck in a spiral and believed that nothing was going to make me better. She prescribed some anti-depressants, which shot me “sky high”.

I started thinking of the different ways of killing myself

It got to a stage when I just didn’t want to be where I was. I didn’t want to die – just not to ‘be here’. I believed that my family would be better off without me, as I was becoming such a burden to them.

I could see that I was so obsessive and that it was wearing them all out. I stayed in bed a lot, lying there thinking about the different ways of killing myself.

I thought to myself, “Now, what would work and what wouldn’t work?” and “what would happen if…?” Then, I would think, “No! It will be human instinct to save myself and I will fail to carry it through”. I didn’t want to die. For days and days, I pondered on what I should do. Then, at 8.30am one morning, I reached for the ‘paracetamol’ bottle. I counted out the tablets into ‘fours’ and then put them in my mouth four at a time. I knew that I would be able to swallow more that way. I took 32 and then went back to bed. At 3.30pm, I realised that I was ‘still here’. It did not occur to me that it would take so long for the paracetamol to take its effect. At the time, I believed it would make me go to sleep and I would not wake up.

It was at this point that I thought they might not be able to save me

It was then that I heard my youngest daughter singing. She came into my bedroom to say ‘goodbye’, before going to her friend’s house. She was so excited about her 16th birthday coming up the following week. It suddenly occurred to me that she would not be happy on her birthday, like she was that day. Luckily it brought me to my senses and I then told my husband what I had done. He called for an ambulance. I kept my eyes shut all the way to the hospital. I felt ashamed. How must I have looked to the paramedics? They were so good; keeping me talking and distracting me from how I felt. When I arrived at the hospital, I was asked if I wanted the procedure to clear the paracetamol from my body. It was at this point that I thought they might not be able to save me. It really hit me hard – I thought I’d left it too late. I felt sick that the paracetamol was in my system.

I remember feeling tormented and wanting to go to sleep

It jolted me when I came out of hospital. I had an emergency appointment with a consultant psychiatrist. I cried when I told him what I had done. I was registered as an inpatient at a psychiatric clinic. I’ve forgotten a lot of what happened from then onwards. I remember going into the clinic, staying in bed all day - every day and only getting up for meals. I’m told that I answered the public phone for other people in the clinic. I do not recall that. I remember feeling tormented and wanting to go to sleep. I eventually would go off to sleep, but not feel that I had slept. Every time I awoke, I experienced the same repetitive thoughts and feelings over and over again.

The last resort of ECT

When all else failed I was put on lithium and then had several courses of ECT. At the time, I did not realise that ECT was still practised in this country. I remember going into a waiting room and was astounded at the number of people waiting for the treatment – the young and elderly, physically and mentally disabled. There was absolute silence in the room – no-one said a word to another. I could not believe that so many people were having this treatment. I learnt after two of the sessions, that I had experienced abnormal ‘fitting’ during the ECT. I worry that I have some form of memory loss. I seem to have lost a 2 or 3 of years. I do not remember who went to my 50th birthday and yet it was a big party. Also, when people say to me, “you know when we went to such and such”, I do not recall what they are talking about. I wonder if this memory loss coincides with the ECT.

I believed that no-one could really cure me

I wanted to be well, yet at the same time, believed that no-one could really ‘cure’ me. The medical diagnosis was ‘Clinical Depression’ and I was put on various medications. I felt very much ‘in my own world’, but with the help of doctors and tablets, I am now able to manage my condition and cope with life, although I am not ‘cured’.

My condition has been described as ‘stabilised’ by medical professionals and … years later is still being managed with 4 different types of tablets. I have been told by my psychiatrist that it is likely I will be taking medication for the rest of my life. This is something that does not bother me right now. I accept that being on medication is keeping me stable. I trust my psychiatrist’s expertise. It seems that people with ‘Clinical Depression’ need to remain on medication.

I feel a bit confused about what the cause of ‘Clinical Depression’ is.

Is it caused by a biochemical imbalance? Does a person really have a pre-disposition to it? Are there environmental factors that play a big part in it?

New hope

My elder daughter has suffered for a long time with mood swings and very few doctors seemed to understand what it was about. Over many years, she had visited various medical professionals and tried many different medications and therapies. She was later diagnosed with ‘Bipolar II Disorder’ and prescribed mood stabilisers.

She had a few sessions with Lily & Russell at The Naked Gene Juggler. Before visiting them, she was very pale and moody and appeared disinterested in what was going on around her. Even after her first session, it was amazing to see the effect it had on her. I noticed that a healthy glow had returned to her skin, her eyes were brighter and she was responding to conversation again.

Now, she is much more alert and aware of everyone around her and no longer suffers from the cyclical mood swings. I feel that this is the best she has been in over 20 years. Now, she does not look back….she looks forward to her future.

Karen's story: A fifteen month update

After sessions with Lily & Russell at The Naked Gene Juggler, it is amazing to see the changes in her. She is much happier and more philosophical about life. I notice a healthy glow has returned to her skin. Her eyes are brighter and she is laughing again. My mother comments frequently about it too. She says, ‘When I speak to Anna, she is always laughing.’ She is much more alert and aware of everyone around her. Now, she is free from the torment of mood swings and no longer needs medication.

I see her confidently engaging in conversation and able to talk about what has happened to her. Before she was so withdrawn. Now, she is much more outspoken and wants to be with people. In fact, she outwardly seeks social contact. It seems easier for her to make decisions. As a result, she has been bold enough to take the plunge with a freelance business.

I feel that this is the best she has been in over 20 years. Now, does not look back….she looks forward to her future.”

After seeing these changes in her sister, my younger daughter decided to go along to see Lily and Russell to help with her depression. It is clear that she has also benefited. Before, she seemed stuck; finding it difficult to move forward with her life. Now, she is able to make decisions and strike out on her own. She has not been afraid to move away from her roots and make new friends. In fact, she is living with her boyfriend, and meeting new people. Not only that, but she is able to be more selective with whom she makes friends. People do not seem to ‘push her buttons’ so much as she does not go through the ‘emotional turmoil’ that she went through before. She is much more strong-minded and sticks to her own opinion. It seems that Lily and Russell have got deep into her subconscious and helped her to clear her mind; allowing positive thoughts to come through. As a consequence, she is much happier within herself. It is great to see her getting on with her life.