Nicola's story: Depression - ‘Putting on a brave face’

I was 15 when mum started suffering from depression. At the time, I wasn’t really aware of what depression was. I first noticed changes in her state of mind when she became very intense about my schoolwork and overly concerned about my performance. This was so out of character for her as she had never really bothered about it before. Her focus was on what I had been told at school – that I ‘wasn’t an academic’. I had showed no interest in my work at the time and it seemed that nothing was going in.

I got frustrated and upset, believing that there was something wrong with me. In fact, it was my concentration that was the issue. My brain would just switch off.

I wanted to give her my strength

I remember getting excited about my 16th birthday and finding it hard that there was no enthusiasm in the house. I felt sad. Mum stayed in bed a lot and I would go into her bedroom to try to cheer her up. She found it difficult to get dressed. I would put her clothes on the bed so that she didn’t have to think about what to put on. This was something that she found extremely difficult. She looked very lethargic and lost; constantly repeating how unhappy she was. I wanted to give her my strength and felt the need to give her positive thoughts all the time, hoping to turn it around for her. She said that I should just get on with my life. I would see her lying there and it made me feel helpless. Her curtains would always be closed. Since then, I have not been able to stand seeing curtains closed - they have to be open! Closed curtains are a constant reminder of mum’s illness.

I felt absolute desperation for her to be well

Mum seemed to recover from this episode, so it was so upsetting when she had a recurrence. I just burst into tears. I felt absolute desperation for her to be well. I was wondering where it was heading. Dad said, “We have to be strong!” At the time, I felt that my feelings weren’t really acknowledged. It became my belief that you have to be strong around someone suffering from depression so that you can help them through it. I was startled by her obsession with clothes and the washing machine. I looked at her and thought, “where’s mum gone?” It was beyond belief. The depression was stubborn. Her obsessiveness made me realise just how lost she was. I could see panic in her, which made me feel very insecure. You do not expect to see your mum like that or anyone else for that matter. Nothing could change the way she was thinking. She kept pacing and repeating the same words over and over again. My sister and I would buy her new clothes and yet still she would find a problem with them. Nothing was right and we could not say anything to convince her otherwise. Mum believed that the material was wrong, or they didn’t ‘fit properly’ or she would simply say, “I don’t like clothes!” Failing that she would say that “the washing machine would ruin them”. She also became distressed about her appearance saying; “You and your sister are beautiful, I’m not” or “my hair doesn’t look right”. I found it sad that she did not like the way she looked. I felt her pain and felt for her. I cared immensely and deeply for her. I would have done anything for her. I felt protective over her - I still am.

I numbed out, suppressing my own feelings

When mum went into a psychiatric clinic I found it hard to visit her. I remember going in on my own and finding it strange. My hair was falling out with the stress. I wanted to have my mum to talk to. I didn’t like seeing mum eating her dinner along with others all looking spaced out on medication. I accepted that she needed to be there, but could not believe what was happening. For me, mum had gone. It was like she had died. She was no longer the mum I knew. I could not talk to her in the same way. I felt I could not talk about my feelings. I numbed out, suppressing my own feelings and just ‘got on’ with it. There were times when I didn’t know how I felt. I found it hard when dad would ask me to go and see mum. I felt pressured. I wanted to see her, but sometimes it was too much to handle. I didn’t feel there was anyone there for me to turn to. It seemed never-ending.

As well as being tried on lots of medication, mum had 3 sessions of ECT. On one occasion, something went wrong when she was under. She had fitted more than she should have. I had images of her having the treatment. I imagined her body shaking and thinking just how awful it would be.

It started hitting me a few years later

At that time, I felt I had to be older than I was and more responsible. It wasn’t until a few years later when mum got well and I had finished my degree that it all started hitting me. It was my mission to get qualified and I worked for a couple of years after that. It was then that I ‘crashed’. My boyfriend had just split up with me. It felt like I had lost half of my body. He was the only person I could really talk to. When he left, I felt my whole life had been wiped out and that everyone close to me had been taken away.

After that, trust became a big issue for me. I couldn’t handle anyone being close to me, yet at the same time, I craved their support. I threw myself into relationships that were not good for me at all. I found myself with destructive, aggressive and abusive people who were damaging, sick and twisted. They would break me down. My friendships were also up and down. There was no-one I could really talk to. I felt that people would not be able to cope with what I’d gone through. I felt they wouldn’t understand. Some people were very judgemental. I remember a friend’s dad saying, “Oh you’ll turn out to be a nervous wreck like you’re mother!” It felt horrible. How could anyone say something so insensitive?

My own experience of depression

I started suffering from depression myself. It was a painfully long and lonely experience. I wondered when it would end and whether I would be able to cope with life again. I felt so lost and friends didn’t seem to understand. I felt very much on my own. I would ache from head to toe and lie down most of the time. I would sink into the bed, which would help the aching. I loved getting into bed and escaping the world, away from my feelings of panic.

Looking back, I see my experience as a learning curve. I think I’ve become a stronger and broader person because of it. I don’t wish it had never happened. I have a much deeper understanding of feelings and an awareness of other people’s situations. However, my subconscious mind jumps to the past. I keep thinking when someone gets close that they will hurt me. I realise I now have this belief that ‘people will not stay with me’. My brain seems to jump to conclusions in new situations with relationships. I can see that it is a reflection of past experiences, yet I still believe that someone will say or do something to hurt me.

I can see how The Naked Gene Juggler could help me release my feelings and perhaps those I’m not aware of.

My sister went to see Lily and Russell to help her with her ‘bipolar’ mood swings, which she had been experiencing for 22 years. I can now see what she went through in her life – it seems a lot gathered in her mind over the years.

Now, she appears to be free from pain and suffering and I do not see any mood swings in her. She is much calmer, more at ease with herself and a lot happier.

She does not get so run down and can manage her stress levels better. She is more focussed and is less of a perfectionist. She has always been very driven, but now, she seems to know where she is going and what she is doing. Her appearance has changed also – her face has ‘lifted’ and she no longer has the dark under her eyes. I can see that her experiences at The The Naked Gene Juggler have changed that for her. When she came to see me afterwards, it was as though I had a different sister.

I want to experience that myself. I can see that it has taken away her torment and I would like that too…

Nicola's story: A fifteen month journey update

I went to see Lily and Russell at The Naked Gene Juggler to help me release my feelings. I found that just after a few sessions, I started to feel brighter and clearer in my head. They enabled me to identify the core issues that were really causing me the torment and pain, which has released my depression.

Now, I can function, so that I can ‘get on’ and live my life. Getting up in the morning has become easier and I look forward to each day. I am free from what has been holding me back and can move forward with my life. I am so happy. It has brought the real ‘me’ back. I am becoming more of the person I am meant to be. I consider myself more - what I need. Not only that, but I realise I am capable of so much more. I will not settle for anything less than is best for me.

I am so lucky to have experienced what Lily and Russell do. The techniques they use put everything into perspective. As a result, they’ve enabled me to believe in myself again and to do the things I’ve always wanted to do.

Since then, I’ve really been able to move forward. I have moved away from my old life. Now, I’m embarking on a new life with my boyfriend and pursuing an exciting career that really suits me. I feel I can cope with whatever comes my way. I realise, I’ve come through the other side and can see a better future for myself.

I feel so enlightened - so much happier and ... FREE!

I’m so grateful to you both. Thank you